The Covert Narcissist. The NPD.

NPD, stands for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The moment you are looking into this article, most probably you are currently/suspect that you are in a relationship with NPD, or you are a survivor that seeking for more answers.

Instead of writing what other articles you can find via Google, I will be sharing the real experience...

In this article:
1. To NPD survivors
2. Recommended Reading
3. What is Covert NPD
4. The signs of NPD
5. The Healing Process
6. Now, Rebuilding yourself
7. Believe me

To NPD survivors

The moment you identified he/she is a NPD, you have a great findings, I'm sure you are now in shock and can’t wait to share your findings to friends and family, to tell the world that the guy you are in a relationship with is a NPD, a person that diagnosed with personality disorder.

You’ve seen the max level of selfishness of a psychopath, you've been through the darkness, craziness and unreasonable of humanity. The mental abuse encountered is more than words can describe.

I know you are in a rush to shout to the world to expose the truth “he is a psycho, the real psycho, I’m serious”. When you excitedly tell your friends and family regarding your findings, most probably you are getting response that may disgust you. “Why are you still struggling this?” “Are you still mentally hurt?” “Why are you still thinking about him?”

The doubt always go back to yourself, yes, from the people you believe that you can spoke to.

It’s not their fault, its just that they are too lucky to have seen the darkest humanities, they are too innocent to believe that psycho is just one step away in their network. Their views are healthy, they are not the one that facing mentally abuse for years by being scolded as rubbish, being hoovering the last bit of your kindness, being levered the threshold of acceptance level.

Your friends and family most probably can only conclude him as “legend”, while the actual NPD victims finally accepted them as a NPD psychopath.

Recommended Reading

The Covert Narcissist: Recognizing the Most Dangerous Subtle Form of Narcissism and Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships
by Theresa J. Covert

is a self-help book that give you some recovery ideas.

If You Tell: a True Story of Murder, Family Secrets, and the Unbreakable Bond of Sisterhood
by Gregg Olsen

A True Story of Murder, Family Secrets, and the Unbreakable Bond of Sisterhood by a NPD-like woman. Click here to read my review.

"Why am I still thinking about these unhappy incident?"

Maybe let me explain this from another perspective. Do people still talk about the vacations 5 years ago? Do people still talk about how happy they are during their school time 10 years ago, the sport competitions they had? Do people still sharing their bad experience with bosses/landlord/teacher/ex-boyfriend? Yes. People always talk about past experience no matter it’s happy or sad memories. We always talk again and again. So there’s no fault when you try to talk about your relationship experience. It’s always fine.

But you can’t force someone to listen to your story. People would return with a “I’m not interested” respond unless the conversation benefits them. Everyone are too busy for their own life, me too, you too. So please don’t be disappointed when no one respond as you expect.

"But I want to let others know he is a psycho!"

Hmmm. First things is, congratulations, you are now finally free from the psycho. Finally, you be able to live with nobody that controlling or mental abuse you. The moment you focus yourself, you will be very busy in enjoying your minutes.

This has been awhile and it took me years to found out I’ve been in a relationship with a NDP for more than 10 years. The relationship never went well, and it’s continue mentally hurting me even after the breakup for years.

I’ve gone through a lot of studies, exposure, and sharing from survivors around the world, all survivors encountered the same set of experience. Our story, our misfortune, our mental health and perspective breakthrough will never understand by our friends and family. Ironically, all these NDP related articles are majority reach successfully to only NDP survivors.

If you are reading this article but you are not a NDP survivors

I’m glad you are here, and I sincerely hope you complete the reading to hold this potential knowledge so that you can help someone somedays.

In short,

What is Covert NPD

Covert NPD is a hidden personality disorder, they couldn’t love anyone except themselves. Everything they done are only for their good self. They are hooking you so that you can be their NPD supply - to satisfy their needs even financially, to showoff to others that they are a perfect person.

The signs of NPD

This is the basic signs you are in relationship with Covert Narcissist Personal Disorder: a protective boyfriend, you’re not allow to have social activities, repeatedly deny you with past events even its incident that years ago, never encourage you to improve or pursue for the better version of you.

You maybe getting these at different stages, but these are what NDP games and they will be doing these for sure, 100% sure.

Starter Pack:

1. Love bombing - to get the you addicted as fast as possible, this will reduce after the relationship confirmed.
2. Required social disconnect - you are not allow to connect with friends or family. He will request you to have minimal social activities, and the best, zero friends. He will cut all your potential social network that would awake you from his mind game.
3. Transfer the blame to you - he will explain what he done wrongly is what caused by you. He eventually said it’s my fault that made him cheated on me.
4. Twist the facts - he will twist the conclusion of conversations or agreements. Eg if he owe you a $100, after a discussion, he will conclude that you’ve agreed him to pay only $50 to close the case, which you never agreed.
5. Emotion lost control - easily get triggered when you rejected his request. He will force you to do what he wants.
6. Addicted to branded item that beyond his ability - NDP addicted to get his image elegant, appears as a rich or attractive person.
7. Get angry if you don’t celebrate for him - they love the spotlights on them.
8. Repeatedly devalue you using past incidents - he will remind you everything he unhappy with you, even it’s a case 10 years ago. The “your-fault” is always accumulate, he will never stop revisit the old story. This is to attack your confident, and let you know that you have no rights to request anything from him.
9. Don’t allow you to improve yourself - he won’t allow you to have activities or habit that could improve your personality. eg he will comment your reading habit made you a snob and request you to stop reading.
10. Accuse you’ve changed - NPD is extremely addicted in personality attacks by saying you’d changed and you are no longer the awesome girl he love. The accuse to make you self doubt.

Discarding process:

When finally you started to stay awake from NPD mind game, means you are no longer a valid NPD supply, he will start the discarding process,

1. Have a backup girlfriend - he will start love bombing and hook the backup girlfriend, he will start prepare his next supply (aka victims). This is also why most NDP will end up cheated in a relationship.
2. Projection - he will made story that you’ve betrayed him, or you cheated him. In fact, he is the one that cheating. So whenever he accuse something you never do, it is actually what he is doing.
3. Victimized himself - he will tell everyone around you that you are the one cheated or broke the relationship, and how much he still love you. Even my ex-neighbor and his parents being told that I’m the one cheated.

Post stage:

After breakup, the NDP will be take the possible final breath from you. Relationship with NDP can never ended easily,

1. Hoovering after breakup - when you finally decided to breakup, he will start love bombing you again via different channels: messages, phone call, voice message, emails, social media feeds or post. To show you that he love you so much and he wants you back. Ironically, every posts will set to only viewable by you.
2. Try to initiate conversation with you - he will get different reasons to engage with you, eg to return you something you left behind. Side story: Ironically (again), he will never return you the high value items that you left out.
3. Commit suicide threaten - he will try his best to get your response after breakup by showing you his tiny wound or if he is in medical treatment, he will cry hard or make a sick voice in the voice message to trigger your sympathy. He will tell you that he will hurt himself if you never want to meetup or response to him. But this will never happen, they will never hurt themselves. It’s just a game that try to trigger your empathy and get your response. He have shown me few times he is randomly hurt, or saying he is at 8th floor and he will jump if I don’t respond to him. I gave zero response, eventually he said someone in 8th floor rescued him and finally he is home.
4. Financial settlement - if there’s extremely unfortunately you guys engaged into a shared property, this will be a nightmare. NDP LOVE MONEY ALOT. He will try his best to trick you to give up the shared property. He will spent your stamina and try to trap you to sign the contract before he pay the price. If eventually you are too awake to his psycho game, he will try to scared you with the property value or economy trends so that you will give up or get the minimal returns.

The Healing Process

When you are reading this, most probably you are already breakup with the NDP and on a healing stage. During the healing progress, survivors will gone into few significant changes:

1. Grief - a speechless grief, and possible a brain fog. You’ll most probably lost the ability to think, you might cry for no reason. And the worst, you will be holding these misfortune yourself. Since NDP cut all your social network, at this moment you have no friend to cry shoulder. You’ll have to going through this yourself.
2. Peek the NDP status - when he is finally give up in hoovering you, you will get curious about his life. Maybe you want to check if he is as sad as you, or if he is finally in a confirmed relationship with the new girlfriend aka the new victim.
3. Peek the NDP status - when he is finally give up in hoovering you, you will get curious about his life. Maybe you want to check if he is as sad as you, or if he is finally in a confirmed relationship with the new girlfriend aka the new victim.
4. Study other people - as since you have seen the darkness, the selfishness, craziness, the unchangeable psycho, you will start to learn people’s behavior. You will see through human’s behavior simply via few interactions whether the person is trying to hurt you or if the person simply being kind. In a long run, you started to trust your sense after few bingos.
5. Easily get triggered - you will get angry easily because you are able to see through the real intention of an action from the person. Your view are no longer innocent, you will be able to notice there is a reluctant even the person is smiling.
6. Study & share NDP related info - if you are lucky enough to found that what you’ve been involved in was a psycho relationship, you will study and google a bunch of NDP related information, looking for survivors that gone through the same experience. You might try to share this shocking finding to friends and family, but they will only give you minimal reaction and couldn’t understand what you trying to express, and worst they will think you are still struggling with the NDP ex or you are too psycho to accuse the ex is a NDP.
7. Public sharing and helping - since there’s no one could fully understand you within your friends or family, your shocking and findings is not fully expressed. You will start looking for other survivors, or blog your story and advices. You believe your story are so legend, in fact every survivors actually gone through the same set of experience.

Now, Rebuilding yourself

1. Building the perfect life - It takes time to start building your personal lifestyle, your true preferred lifestyle. You will start enjoying your life and breath healthily.
2. Emotional control - You started to learn to control your emotion and reduce your voice. You will choose a better reaction after you see through the real intention of a person’s action/messages.
3. Acceptance to different personalities - You finally understand all personalities are genetics or special brain wired, they can’t be changed and will never be changed. You will communicate according to the person’s level.

Believe me

You are getting better, stronger. And always remember, you deserve better.